Despair can’t be the final word

Well, I would hope not.

I’ve tried to write this final part of the pages about myself several times but I always end up despairing!

I suppose that the best way to end the section is to go into the reasons that I have never yet lost all hope, both as a human being and an author.

Firstly, I do not believe that there is such a thing as hatred. Yes, there is dislike but when we analyse all of the things that we say we hate, most of them do not fit the definition of hate. We do not hate governments; we do not hate religions; we do not hate having a cold. I could go on for ages. Even the people and things that annoy us the most can always be assessed and deep down, we don’t really hate them. My ex-wife abused my daughter, when she was only a baby. I went through hell because of this and God only knows what my daughter felt. I still don’t hate the woman. Yes, I go through spells of deep depression because of it but I can always assess what happened and trace events back to the woman’s childhood and beyond. Part of my inability to put these traumatic events behind me is down to the fact that I understand the psychology and I am left with nobody to blame but plenty of consequences to bear: none of it is due to hatred.

Setting that aside, I do believe that it is possible to love. I’m not just talking about loving chocolate or curry. When we say that we love such things, we are trivialising the word, as much as we over-dramatise the use of the word ‘hate’. I love the world. I love my daughter. I love music, both for the intrinsic value of each work and for the way that it unites people.

These things are not ephemeral. That is the true test of how much we can be said to love or hate. If hatred was as powerful as love, then it would stir our emotions in a lasting way: I can’t think of one thing that has ever done this to me. On the other hand, the love that I have for my daughter and the natural world will never be diminished, no matter what happens to me.

My conclusion is that hatred does not really exist but that love will always endure. It is that which inspires me to keep going. It is that which will always drag me back from the brink.

The world exists for love, not war. I must never forget this simple truth.

In the words of Buddha:

“Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Likewise, happiness never decreases by being shared.”

The future may not be rosy for me but it will always contain love. That’s enough.



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